SEX FILES: Conflict in relationships is an opportunity

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Growing up, conflict was something to be feared. My parents rarely expressed their feelings to each other directly – until everything erupted into explosive, emotionally charged arguments. My sister and I would retreat to our rooms, waiting for the storm to pass. What was left unsaid was clear: conflict is dangerous and is to be avoided at all costs. As a result, I learned to swallow my emotions, sure that speaking up would unleash a tidal wave of heated reactions. It’s no surprise that even now, I struggle to voice my needs in a relationship.

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Dana Casperson, author of Conflict Is an Opportunity: Twenty Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times, says my experience is common. “Because we learn our conflict habits early on, they can feel permanent. So, we often continue with habits of avoidance or adversarial action in our relationships, even when they don’t bring the connection and outcomes that we want.”

Many people avoid conflict out of fear of damaging their connection. However, conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Casperson says, “Couples always have a conflict ‘culture’ between them, a way that they — consciously or unconsciously — typically handle conflict.” However, by normalizing conflict and reframing disagreements as a learning opportunity rather than a threat to the relationship, “couples can work together to build the kind of conflict culture that they want to have,” she says. For example, a conflict culture that increases connection deepens communication and helps us thrive.

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Building a culture of conflict that benefits your relationship starts with curiosity about your partner. Instead of blaming, pointing fingers, and going on the defensive, Casperson urges people to pause and get clarity. “Getting the important information from each person on the table — what matters and why — is fundamental to finding constructive ways forward,” she says. When faced with a disagreement, Casperson suggests people ask their partner, “What’s the most important thing in this for you?” and “What do you think I might be missing here?”

Acknowledge your partner’s beliefs and experiences, even if you disagree. “Acknowledgement is often a vital first step to constructive conversation, letting each other know that you are listening and valuing each other’s information,” says Casperson.

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Casperson encourages people to view emotions as signals, not final destinations. Instead of getting stuck in a feeling (i.e., anger), use it to uncover what lies beneath — the deeper needs and values it’s pointing to. Emotions are an essential part of how we process the world, explains Casperson. She says, “Let them do their job.” Emotions can help you understand what truly matters.

Most importantly, work together to devise a plan for how you’ll address conflict in the future — think of it as a personal playbook for you as a couple. “Talk about what helps you communicate well and what you find challenging,” suggests Casperson. From there, create a plan for handling tricky topics moving forward. “Remind yourselves that you are on the same side and that conflict is a puzzle you can sort out together, not a battle to be won or lost,” she says.

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While avoiding conflict or difficult conversations may feel like a relief in the moment, it isn’t helpful in the long term. Not sharing your emotions, interests, and needs with each other — even when it feels messy — denies you the opportunity to build an authentic relationship based on communication, connection, and mutual vulnerability.

“Remember that people get into conflict because something matters to them; find out what it is,” says Casperson. So, get curious about your partner and apply that same curiosity to yourself. Ask yourself: Why is this issue so important to you?

As Casperson points out, it’s usually not our needs that conflict – it’s the strategies we use to meet them. We all want to feel seen, heard and understood at our core. With that in mind, approach conflict with curiosity and aim to find solutions that honour everyone’s needs.

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