| 1. Tennessee Titans |
Jaxson Dart, QB, Ole Miss |
The Titans need a QB. And if the name were a criteria (and it damn well should be) Dart is the easy pick. |
| 2. Cleveland Browns |
Grey Zabel, OL, North Dakota St |
From the minds that brought you Red Sonja, Black Panther, and Blue Beetle comes… |
| 3. New York Giants |
Tonka Hemingway, DT, South Carolina |
When he’s not plugging running lanes, he’s writing sweeping novels about his mastery of the sandbox. |
| 4. New England Patriots |
Upton Stout, CB, Western Kentucky |
You wanna go to the pub for a pint, this is your bloke. New England meet Old England. |
| 5. Jacksonville Jaguars |
Jihaad Campbell, LB, Alabama |
Known for unleashing righteous fury on opposing offenses. |
| 6. Las Vegas Raiders |
John Williams, OT, Cincinnati |
Dark Side. Death Star. Imperial March. Need I say more? |
| 7. New York Jets |
Lathan Ransom, S, Ohio St |
He kicks ass and takes prisoners. |
| 8. Carolina Panthers |
Jake Briningstool, TE, Clemson |
I don’t want to imagine the kind of toughness that comes with growing up with a name like that. |
| 9. New Orleans Saints |
Maxen Hook, S, Toledo |
Instant team captain. |
| 10. Chicago Bears |
Aireontae Ersery, OT, Minnesota |
He bought a lot of vowels. Now he wants payback. And he’s coming for u. |
| 11. San Francisco 49ers |
Luther Burden III, WR, Missouri |
Don’t let the monacle and the cain fool you. This guy will dust you. |
| 12. Dallas Cowboys |
Princely Umanmielen. ED, Ole Miss |
His edge rush will force any QB to take a knee. |
| 13. Miami Dolphins |
Oronde Gadsden II, TE, Syracuse |
A literal generational talent. |
| 14. Indianapolis Colts |
Zeek Biggers, DT, Geogia Tech |
Set the combine record on the plow. |
| 15. Atlanta Falcons |
Smael Mondon Jr, LB, Georgia |
He’s happy to be staying at home. And the Falcons are happy have him. |
| 16. Arizona Cardinals |
Kain Medrano, LB, UCLA |
His suplex into four figure leg lock is banned in 14 states. But not Arizona. |
| 17. Cincinnati Bengals |
Will Howard, QB, Ohio State |
Our nation’s 27th president returns from his trip up north in Columbus to his birthplace in Cincinnati. |
| 18. Seattle Seahawks |
Miles Frazier, G, LSU |
Belongs in Seattle. Exists almost solely on a diet of tossed salad and scrambled eggs. |
| 19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers |
Nick Nash, WR, San Jose St |
This is the toughest case yet for Detective Nick Nash. But nothing he can’t handle. |
| 20. Denver Broncos |
Yahya Black, DT, Iowa |
What are the divine secrets to his inside rush? No one knows. |
| 21. Pittsburgh Steelers |
Jack Nelson, OT, Wisconsin |
Half Nelson? Yawn. Full Nelson? Child’s play. You don’t know Jack. |
| 22. Los Angeles Chargers |
Cobee Bryant, CB, Kansas |
This guy knows about winning championships in LA. |
| 23. Green Bay Packers |
Hunter Wohler, S, Wisconsin |
No way Wisconsin is letting this guy out of their state. |
| 24. Minnesota Vikings |
Gunnar Helm, TE, Texas |
A Viking from birth. |
| 25. Houston Texans |
O’Donnell Fortune, CB, South Carolina |
Last name for a first name and one tough cookie. |
| 26. Los Angeles Rams |
Jackson Slater, C, Sacramento St |
Jackie Slater is back with the LA Rams. |
| 27. Baltimore Ravens |
Chris Paul Jr, LB, Ole Miss |
Running the point in the middle of the defense. |
| 28. Detroit Lions |
Bhayshul Tuten, RB, Virginia Tech |
A real sleeper pick. |
| 29. Washington Commanders |
Jordan James, RB, Oregon |
After missing out on Cobee Bryant and Chris Paul, they try and hedge their bets with Jordan and James |
| 30. Buffalo Bills |
Billy Bowman Jr., S, Oklahoma |
Billy Bowman was born to be a Buffalo Bill. |
| 31. Kansas City Chiefs |
Azareye’h Thomas, CB, Florida St |
When he and Gargamel get together, no smurf is safe. |
| 32. Philadelphia Eagles |
Isaac TeSlaa, WR, Arkansas |
Was considered a top ten pick a few months ago. But his stock has been tanking of late. |
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